11/03/25
When I Was Five, spoken word, performed 30/05/24
When I was five, my father looked me in the eyes and told me the truth There is no loving god that I could pray to, or at least that’s what I heard. In some diluted way he believes what disillusioned me You see, when I was five my father told me not that I would have my bones degrade not say, the woman who raised me wanted to leave for adultery When the adult in me sees no democracy in having your mother punch to bleed. Is it to be played or do you praise when you take the blade to your own child? When I was five my father told me what truth? to plead for forgiveness? A forgiveness from men dressed in suits and lies who took an innocence when I was not home? they put it on display on their shelves but you’re blind to see it; paralyzed behind your own two eyes if no one else agrees it. When I was five I looked in my mirrored eyes, but she wasn’t there She was already kicked out at nine, fine, but scared to be alive Lest he care about anything other than what they perceive as sin? I swallow my pride with my estrogen, in two milligram capsules It makes each day a Schrödinger’s box of whether my father’s house has a safe bed to sleep in. When I was five, my father wouldn’t look me in the eyes, to follow the truth It took him sixty-three years to abide his child was less important than a religion we both criticize, fight nail and tooth A circle of culty men that in his eyes are worth to defend I was five when I made up my mind; there is no loving god In the loveless name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
10/03/25
we said McCartney was right singing we never sawr the birds winging before the other but what the fuck was that ever supposed to mean to me? you shot them all dead when i started looking
06/03/25
I believe that i am predestinate to lust after a deep connection never had but sometimes when i walk to monotony i will see a crow smaller than the rest and she looks at me and we tilt our heads together I lose timidness slower than her and we see each other and i fall in love with the feeling of unconditional knowing how sapien is man to reject a feathered purity could i please be feathered it's this day I wonder if maybe my mom was a crow that fans her tail bent down to click out a grunting screamed beak at unsullied turf where a rusticate-plucked bareskin uncle fertilizes the roots apathetic his fate hurt less than being the peck-wound runt long-ago cynodon dactylon He was a chafer larvae living in a misnomer bermuda and maybe eating Him was retribution enough rip His home and rest by the warmth each fibre torn a belly-full belly full and still never gone next springtime
04/03/25
I smoked my first cigarette after i stopped drinking for the first time, certainly too early for either. I searched the packs i found the same way i learnt i was lucky finding my next drink, when you face the type of lows where coping is no longer taking breaths or distractions you'll take the escape given to you. it's no exceptionality to not know the health risks at 14, what remains is knowing depressants and stimulants alike will mellow the pain. it was in an apartment trashbin, by some chance: rez cigs.note, one solitary left in embossed red Rolled Gold branding. the only indigenous person i knew was across the way on the floor and i think he quit for weed. there is a beautiful irony in the righteousness of quitting to have some kid pick up a habit on your trash. I knew i could cover the scent of being pickled on stolen spirits but being locked in a room was incongruent to being undetected. I smell family when i walk by a pit that day i only got yelled at for having my candle lit. I leaned out of the window to light it with old redbird matches. it was awful and i loved it
01/03/25
the last time he fucked me he took my clothes off to get in my shower together still i wonder if he knew when my dirt washes off my nakedness is never clean i scrub it raw to erase what he saw under my walls yet how do i burn his eyes to not remember an ex and the hideous flesh i can never escape in suds but he was the first one i wanted seeing something unholy and imperfect not under duress by religion and i wanted i wanted i wanted i wanted so he left he left he left he left
